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On the Air March 2019 Issue

On The Air: March 2019

A few months ago, we heard this on Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Approach as we were flying through the area:

Controller: “Cessna 123, traffic three o’clock, two miles.”

Cessna 123: “Looking.”

After a couple of minutes the controller came back with: “Cessna 123, Disregard traffic advisory; that was a truck.”

As I’m doubled over in laughter, the controller explained that sometimes the radar will pick up trucks on the hill as targets, especially if they’re almost as fast as the slow airplanes. That must’ve really hurt.

Harold Lanfear
Newark, DE

Following a recent political discourse, the FAA will shortly fire Donald Trump’s waypoints in the IVNKA ONE RNAV DEPARTURE at the Palm Beach International Airport (KPBI)—UFIRD, DONLD, TRMMP and maybe his daughter IVNKA. Additionally AMNDA (receptionist in “The Apprentice”) should not be blamed for The Donald’s infatuation with the BRTHR movement of 2008 and 2012.

Luca Bencini-Tibo
Weston, FL

[Editor’s note: We generally avoid submissions that are as long as the next. But this is so nicely thought out we figured you’d enjoy it in spite of its length.]

I recently had to take a commercial flight on business and the entire experience was horrible. On my equally horrible return flight, I came up with the following information and guidelines for the passengers in my Baron:

1. Pilot doesn’t care if you are TSA PreCheck or not.

2. No x-rays or body scans or whatever. No need to hide anything. No need to put your hands up. I don’t care about your laptop. (Why bring it unless it has Foreflight on it?) No need to guzzle that bottle of water. Bring it!

3. There’s no charge for bags. Small firearms in your carry-on bags are allowed. If it fits, it goes. Bring eight pairs of shoes if you want. If they are high heels you can bring nine. And an extra dozen golf balls. Just pee before you get on. It’s a trade off. Less pee = more shoes.

4. Drinks in the back are BYO. Serve yourself. Trash bags behind the seat. If you’re not sure how to use them, there is likely something in the regs or AIM about it.

5. Forget the five-count bag of pretzels. Bring the family-sized bag. And Fritos and BBQ chips. Cookies ok. Cheese and crackers better. Good salami is always a winner. Pass ’em up to the guy in front.

6. No whining. Just wining. Bring a crystal wine glass and a metal corkscrew. I don’t care.

7. No gate changes. We don’t board by groups either. You are all in the A 1-30 group.

8. I fired the flight attendant. And the ticket agent. Pick your own seat. Pour your own glass of wine. There’s no ramp guy either. So you won’t see him/her throw your bag into the cart from 20 feet and miss while you watch helplessly from your seat wondering if that nice bottle of red wine has now made all your clothes red.

9. No stupid computers that ask you if you are carrying a banana, a gun, or if somebody asked you to take this to their mother in the Middle East. No one will ask you where you are going. You’re going where I take you.

10. No service dogs or service emus or service cats or service armadillos. Nope to Susie’s pet llama. If you need a companion pet I don’t need your companionship. No pooping in my plane. You have a service animal because you have anxiety issues? Call your travel agent.

11. No weird flight attendants talking about last night’s extracurricular activities. No flight attendants will hit on you or me. No flight attendants.

12. I don’t care if your phone is on. Take pictures and text all flight long. Take that selfie. “Hi” to Mom.

13. There is no smoking even if the plane has ashtrays. You can’t smoke in the bathroom —there isn’t a bathroom. No doobies either. Makes me hungry.

14. Mile High Club goes active about 10 minutes into flight. Remember to take your headset off—controllers don’t like to hear you screaming. Just clean up after yourself. Enjoy the turbulence! Let me know if that light chop is real or passenger induced.

15. If you liked the flight, thank the pilot. You’re welcome back any time. If you didn’t like the flight, next time call your travel agent and ask for a free flight.

Keith Bolton
Columbia, TN


Send us your cleverest or most embarrassing moment on the radio—or your favorite fix names or airport names—with a subject of “OTA,” to IFR@BelvoirPubs.com. Be sure to include your full name and location.

 

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